Michael Jackson Bagged, Booked and Bailed
by Adam Newman | 00.00.0000

Michael Jackson’s greatest hits album Number Ones, released Tuesday, includes a single brand new track. The name of that song is “One more chance.” And the musician who wrote and produced it is none other than the man with the keys to the Chocolate Factory, R. Kelly. Sometimes jokes write themselves onto the subconscious of the reader. Sometimes we don't have to say anything at all.

Facing allegations of child molestation (again, or "as always," depending on your point of view... these ones were official though), Jackson surrendered to authorities Thursday, one day after a warrant for his arrest was issued. Jacko immediately posted the required $3 million bail, threw up a couple of fingers to signify "peace" (because it sure as hell wasn't a victory), and--avoiding a return to Neverland (his ranch near Santa Barbara, NOT the fictional place he hasn't taken a mental vacation from for the past decade)--he went to Vegas.

Earlier in the day--just before noon--a private jet carrying the King of Pop landed at the Santa Barbara airport. Hands cuffed behind his back, Jackson was immediately taken to the Santa Barbara County Sheriff's Office accompanied by his defense attorney, Mark Geragos (who's already got his hands full of the bloated mess that is the Laci Peterson case.

The new accusations against MJ surfaced after a 12-year-old cancer patient told authorities he was given wine and sleeping pills while spending the night at Neverland Ranch. Jackson claims there were no wrongdoings, and that he just loves little boys (yeah, we got that part already pal).

Unaffected by Jackson’s heavy heart, prosecutors are charging him with lewd or lascivious acts with a child under 14, which could result in three to eight years for each count he is held accountable for. No further details were given regarding pending legal action however.

The baby-dangler faced similar charges in 1993, but settled (for eight figures!) out of court. The deal was due in large part to the intervention of his friend and private investigator Anthony Pellicano. Pellicano, yet another stand-up character in this sordid affair, was recently jailed for possessions of explosives, and forced to turn over all once-confidential information about his previous clients (mayhap there's a connection here?).

In an interview with CNN, Jackson’s brother Jermaine stated, "My brother is not eccentric... And what they’re doing is bringing him down with the very thing that he loved." Which, if you've been paying any attention, is "little boys." Jermaine later went on to say that he and his family supported Jackson 1000 percent.

Earlier in the year, Jackson said in a British television interview, “The most loving thing you can do is share a bed with someone.” That is, of course, an entirely appropriate way for a 45-year-old to show affection to his underage boy friends. It's also completely normal for 45-year-olds to have underage boys for friends.

Authorities refuse to say what sort of evidence turned up at Jackson’s ranch, after the 2,600-acre playground (including amusement rides, a petting zoo and various other attractions that every child dreams of) was scoured by investigators on Tuesday. While the case unravels, Jackson’s legion of fans will surely be put to the ol' good-faith test, especially as more shocking revelations about the pop star surface at his hearing scheduled in December. God help us all.